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A new biotech company in Silicon Valley launched this week with the stated aim of ‘solving the problem of death.’

The firm, Death to Death Ltd, enjoys the support of many of the tech industry’s guiding lights, including four billionaires who cannot at present conceive of their own demise. They, along with dozens of other investors seeking a chance at an endless vista of vacuum, have enthusiastically signed off on the company’s mission of extending a single human life into the infinite.

‘Death is a disease like any other, and diseases can be cured,’ said CEO Hugo Waterston in the launch announcement. ‘We believe that, through a combination of approaches, we have a good chance at offering immortality to our users within a reasonable R&D time frame.’

Waterston’s team includes data storage experts, biomedical researchers, nutritionists, fitness advisors, and a shared dream of getting to watch the stars stop shining.

‘We’re looking to make immortality a reality,’ added Waterston, meaning the condition of going on in the present state of individual consciousness forever and ever, eternally, longer than the five billion-year lifespan of the sun or the ultimate destruction of our universe tens of billions of years after that.

Investors have touted the many accomplishments of Waterston’s team and expressed enthusiasm over the direction of the project.

‘To me, it’s going to be incredibly exciting just to watch all of human history unfold and see every living creature that will ever exist die, along with any biological system that could sustain them,’ said helicopter leasing executive Ted Cooper. ‘It’s like maintaining a classic car that runs just as well now as when all things finally cease to be.’

In the wake of the startup’s inception, health care professionals the world over have expressed overwhelming envy.

‘Here all I’ve been doing is trying to extend life,’ said WHO virologist Johann Rasmussen. ‘But vaccination programs, clean water initiatives, food security...they’re just so impermanent. I mean, all these people are still going to die. What’s the point?’

‘Do they have anything at the app store yet?’ Rasmussen suddenly asked. ‘My mom has cancer, and she’s not awash in so much power, privilege, and futurist cant that she believes herself capable of reversing the fundamental nature of existence and the parameters of time. Maybe like one of those smartwatch fitness apps?’

10/14/2014