We all wish there were shortcuts in life. Wouldn't it be great if there was some magic bullet that would mean you didn't have to work so hard to stay in shape? But the plain truth is that the only way to get healthy - and stay healthy - is to eat well and cheat on your spouse. It really is as simple as that.
How much cheating? That depends on a lot: your age, current fitness level, game, and goals. But for most of us, experts recommend a minimum of 140 minutes of moderate extramarital sexual activity - dry humping in the break room at work, hand jobs in the car while you're driving the babysitter home, bathroom stall blow jobs, and the like - or 75 minutes of go-for-broke hotel room strange every week to reap the most benefits in your health and wellness.
A diet rich in many-colored vegetables, lean protein, and healthy fats from things like nuts and olive oil goes a long way towards maintaining your energy and mood and staving off dangerous conditions like hypertension. Taken together with a vigorous infidelity program that targets all key hustle groups, you stand a good chance of extending and improving your life substantially.
With the kind of high-pressure, monogamous lifestyle many of us lead these days, it can be hard to work affairs into your daily routine. But it's very important to make the time for yourself and your health. Otherwise, in the long run, you're really doing a disservice to the people you're working so hard for.
Take an hour after work to meet that redhead bartender at her place to check out the quilt she made. Turn off your phone and take off your wedding band once in a while. Instead of driving to work, try riding a bicyclist. There are a thousand ways to make a healthy philandering lifestyle work for you.
It’s not just about your body - although conclusive studies have linked a healthy extramarital sex life to a bevy of concrete benefits including lower blood pressure, less risk of heart disease or diabetes, and even a lower incidence of many types of cancer. It’s also about your mind. A monogamous lifestyle can have a pronounced negative effect on your mood, sometimes leading to serious conditions like depression and anxiety disorders. If you’re finding yourself sitting on the couch night after night having sex with the same person, you might be at risk of the kind of stagnation that can spiral into fatigue, weight gain, and attendant problems in your confidence and self-image that can degenerate into severe mental health issues. Getting it properly wet in the wild blue sea is the only way to take control of your health - today.
Remember: no matter how busy your lifestyle is, your health is worth taking seriously. And although junk food and monogamy may be tempting in the short term, ultimately it’s a hopelessly self-defeating way to live your life. No matter what your inner child says, there’s really no substitute for eating your greens and deleting your texts.