Chomsky to Nader: 'We're getting too old for this shit'
Aging activists are only a few months from retirement anyway
CAMBRIDGE, MA - Sources close to Noam Chomsky and Ralph Nader confirm that the long-time activists, faced with yet another struggle against growing militarism on the world stage, systemic poverty, and human rights abuses, have begun to lose their gusto for the fight.
'Here we go again,' Chomsky bit off grittily to Nader as he turned on his computer, held in his breath to steady his hands, and burst out from behind his desk, keyboard blazing. Nader shouted after to him to wait for backup, cursed himself for having this 'hothead' for a partner, then fired off a round of emails in quick succession to draw their fire.
The ensuing battle resulted in the indictment of several prominent figures of the political establishment, but the mysterious and powerful underworld figure known only as Karl Rove managed to escape.
Chomsky and Nader were afterwards summoned to the office of the Green Party’s national chairman, Chief Brannigan, who railed against their negligence and angrily informed them that he would not suffer their 'cowboy methods.'
'Do you know how much your little stunt is going to cost us in legal fees?' he spat. According to eyewitnesses, Chomsky and Nader stood at attention before him, waiting for the response. When none came, Nader quipped 'As much as our medals?' Chomsky burst out laughing, and Brannigan, enraged, ordered them to hand in their books and computers and 'get the hell out of my sight.'
Nader became furious and slammed his fist down on Brannigan’s desk. 'We can get this guy, Chief.' Brannigan eyed him and paused. 'Not any more you can’t,' he replied. Nader and Chomsky handed over their laptops and left, slamming the door behind them.
Reports suggest that Nader and Chomsky were dissatisfied with this result, and hoped to 'crack the case with or without permission.'
At any rate, both grizzled academics were present, notwithstanding their authorization, at the infamous bomb scare which took place last May at the Sheraton Hotel in San Francisco. Delegates to the International Nuclear Non-Proliferation Conference observed that Chomsky and Nader’s grace under pressure saved them all from catastrophe.
'I don’t know how they managed to find the color-coded index to sub-paragraph 27B of article 12 in that bathroom stall, but we’re all goddamn lucky they managed to find it and diffuse it,' said the shaken but relieved French President Francois Hollande.
'God knows what would have happened if they had cut the red section instead of the blue,' echoed a visibly shaken Vladimir Putin, before excusing himself to find 'a big bottle of vodka.'
In the aftermath of the incident at the Sheraton, Chomsky and Nader spotted Karl Rove’s lethal right-hand man—a figure clad always in black, bearing a suspicious resemblance to action star Jet Li—exiting the hotel, disguised as a hotel custodian.
Defying regulations, they called their assistants to pick them up and set off in hot pursuit through the streets of San Francisco. After burning through yellow lights at nearly the speed limit, with Shostakovich’s invasion theme from the 7th Symphony blaring on the car radio, the septuagenarians were able to corner the suspect in an industrial park.
Their aides attempted to engage him. With lightning-quick moves, he took them down on charges of embezzlement thought long-buried. They had heard that no one could defeat Rove’s most deadly henchman in legal battle; now they knew for sure.
Hiding behind a storage container, they paused for a long moment. Chomsky glanced over his shoulder at their opponent, who fixed his stare on them expectantly. 'We can’t beat this guy, can we?' he said, staring straight-ahead.
'No,' replied Nader simply.
'You know, I’ve got grandkids now,' Chomsky pointed out.
'Me too,' Nader replied.
'How is Cynthia?' Chomsky asked him.
Then Chomsky turned to face him and said haggardly, 'Well, what are we waiting for?'
In the ensuing fight, which lasted six months and tested every bit of the veteran protestors’ stamina, they managed to file an injunction against the suspect, and he was eventually forced to resign in disgrace. Chomsky and Nader were given medals by international aid organizations, and were invited to rejoin the Green Party.
'I don’t like your attitude,' Chief Brannigan told them. 'I don’t like your methods. Frankly, I don’t like you. But you’re the best damn activists I’ve seen in all my years in the party, and I’d like to ask you to come back into the fold. The truth is, I need you. We all need you.'
Chomsky glanced at his partner, but they both already knew the answer. 'Thanks Chief,' he said. 'But we’re retired.'
'Be seeing you,' Nader said, putting on his sunglasses. 'Oh, and Chief? Let me know if you ever manage to get your head out of your ass.'
Chomsky and Nader were not willing to elaborate on their plans for the future, but one source close to the political crusaders hinted that they had secured a reliable peyote connection and were planning on an extended hiatus mountain-climbing in Nevada.