In a fiery press conference on Capitol Hill, CIA director John Brennan defended the agency's unorthodox tactics revealed in the Senate's report on intelligence gathering since the September 11th attacks.
'You have to look at the big picture,' Brennan maintained in a heated exchange with reporters. 'When we turned Santa's elf upside down and shook him by the ankles, no actual money tumbled out of his pockets - but the Quizno's frequent buyer card did. And we were able to use that card to get a free sandwich, after we purchased three.'
Since the release of the Senate's report, observers have particularly scrutinized an episode in which the blood of enemy combatants was used in a ceremonially prepared witch's brew intended to bestow youth and beauty upon agency leadership.
When pressed on this and another instance in which Polynesian shamen were secretly commissioned to hide the sun from the Taliban, Brennan asserted that he could not discuss details of agency operations affiliated with the occult, in accordance with the Witchcraft and Sorcery Act of 1798.
Critics have also focused on a controversial and apparently widespread interrogation method in which detainees were force-fed pot brownies, given crayons, and asked to draw what they felt.
'I have to say, I resent your implication, Mandy,' Brennan told a Boston Globe reporter testily. 'The fact is there were hundreds of hours of high-level manpower dedicated to examining all that construction paper, and some of the pictures were really pretty.'
Other tactics, such as the runaway-budget construction of a giant steampunk machine intended to slow down time, or the mandatory hour-on-the-hour Ouija games between interrogators and detainees, were wholeheartedly defended as 'absolutely crucial' to preventing future attacks on American soil.
'We have to see these things as they are,' Brennan said. 'These guys aren't going to give us the information we need if we don't fire antique six-shooters at their feet and tell them to dance. If we're not willing to invoke the Fire God to spark a flame in the hearts of all but the Unburnable Ones, we're not going to be able to protect ourselves. Wood nymphs have valuable soul essence, and we can't harness it without permanently sealing the fairy portal.'
'This is what we have to do to keep ourselves safe,' he added.