U.N. Summit Declaration: Kosovo Now Old Enough to Date
Blossoming nation-state deserves a bit of independence
The beautiful young country.
GENEVA—A consensus vote at the United Nations today recognized Kosovo’s right to after-hours, unsupervised socialization rights with consenting nations, on condition that they be back by two and stay away from that awful Serbia.
‘I had to do a lot of soul searching,’ said cautious and self-confessed ‘classic smothering parent’, Swedish ambassador Lars Bergdorf. ‘But at the end of the day I realized that, you know, if we’ve taught them right, then I guess we should have faith that they’ll make the right choices.’
A red-faced and visibly emotional British delegate echoed the sentiments. ‘At least this way we can make sure they use protection when they…’ he said, before dissolving into tears. ‘Oh, my sweet little baby!’
The Russian ambassador provided a shoulder to cry on, and a reassuring voice. ‘I know, Honey, I know,” he said. “God, you know. One minute you’re officially recognizing its birth as a sovereign nation, the next minute, they’re asking you about international relations. It just all happens so fast.”
The decision came as a shock to some critics who allege that the international community is jumping the gun, allowing Kosovo to enter the dating game without a proper understanding of the rules.
In a statement, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon tried to deflect these criticisms. “We sat them down and had The Talk, so everything’s out in the open,” he said. “But you know, what with the internet and today’s movies being how they are and what have you, fledgling nation-states learn all these things a lot faster than we did when we were their age.”