'Our next comic really needs no introduction, but I'll give him one anyway. You know him from his legendary appearance in the March on Washington, his leadership of the Civil Rights movement, his prolific career as a media commentator and author, and of course his hit sitcom The Kings...Give it up for your headliner, Martin Luther King Jr!'
'Alright...alright...thank you so much. Thank you. How bout a hand for your MC tonight? He's working hard. And he has yet to steal and fuck up my material, so we're off to a good start. Yeah, he and I are good.
'I'll tell you who I'm not good with. Bill Goddamn Maher. Oh no, I am not good with him. ...Oh you heard about that, did you? Yeah. I'll say this much: that smirking asshole isn't the first to steal from me. He isn't the first to get it wrong when he did. But I will say this: he's the first I feel like smacking. He is the first of those. Good God. I am a man of peace, but I would smack the shit out of him. “That's not yours, motherfucker! I own that! And yes, there is a God! Keep it up and you might just get to meet him real soon.”
'Oh, there it is...yeah. That little dip from the crowd. Can't say God. Oh no. People don't like that. “I don't know about that…” It's just fine when I'm talking about the promised land. You tear up when you hear that. Name a street after me. Declare a holiday. But I say it in a comedy show, and it's like ice on a dick. You shrivel up. Do not want to get it anymore.
'Shit...you know this is it right here, right? This is how you get my shit wrong. You want my stuff enough to steal it, but you don't want to get it right. You know that poverty is racism, right? You know that we're kept down by poverty, right? That that's the mechanism of the institution of racism? But nobody wants to get rid of poverty. Oh no. They want to tell poor people it's their fault. And they want to be me while they're doing it. 'I have a dream...that if only black kids would stop stealing pound cake.' That's what we got. That's what we call cultural leadership.
'We elected a black president. Yeah. Yeah! We did. We elected a black president. He's a big fan of mine, by the way. Has a picture of me on the wall. He spoke to the NAACP after he was elected. First black president speaking to the NAACP. Know what he said? “Turn off the X Box.” Turn. Off. The. X. Box. I made some speeches in my day...he heard some of them. Know what this is like? This is like being The Beatles and going to a Billy Joel show. I know he's a fan, but I wish he weren't. It would make more sense if he weren't. And all I'm really thinking is, damn, how did this motherfucker sell out the Garden?
'Oh, there it is. Nobody wants to laugh at that either. No no. “That's not funny. There was a hostile Congress.” Well I dealt with some hostility too. Hostile to me was a fire hose. And yes, there are worse people we could have had. That's been the terrible fear now fulfilled. But why does that have to change who we are? Why does that have to change what we believe? There've always been white supremacists. Sometimes they even win elections. That doesn't mean we have to meet them halfway. Halfway is what I fought against. Halfway is separate but equal. Halfway's not good enough. It's not good at all.
'Oh shit. Now I hear crickets. Cheep cheep! Cheep cheep! Oh that's not funny, huh? Too out there? Too out of touch? Well you know, maybe I am out of touch. Things feel really goddamn far right now, let me tell you. I mean, shit was always bad, but there used to be such a thing as the truth. People were looking for it. People responded to it when they found it. Now people don't even give a shit. Not, “it's bad, let's change it.” Not, “this here is bad, that there would be good.” Just, “it's bad.” Just that. Folks, there's something called a rate of change? Things have changed from then to now, they have, but that's a constant. The rate of change is what's changed. It's not accelerating anymore. You know what happens without acceleration? Inertia. Inertia is science for death. Just because something's still moving doesn't mean it's still alive. It just means it was once. Or something was near it. Something genuinely moving. Ring a bell, folks?
'Still no one laughing. Okay. What's that, sir? I'm not acting funny? Well you are, sir. Does that help? You are fucking hilarious. You all are. I don't give a shit that you're not laughing, because you know what? I am. I think this shit is funny as hell. I am laughing my ass off. ...Oh I don't? Does it look like I'm doing a comedy act, sir? In a comedy act you say things ironically, sir. Maybe your friend there can fill you in on it. After he's done with his coloring book or his spinner or whatever the fuck you people do with yourselves these days. ...What do I mean, you people? What do you mean, you people? What's wrong with you, man? You think I'm offending you? Whatever group you're in? What are you, the oppressed peoples of Long Island douchebags? The victimized minority who'll be eating their parents' bagel bites in two hours? Do you know who I am? You get a day off from the school you're too high to go to because I was born! You're gonna judge me? You know what man, fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah? Yeah? Fuck all of you. And fuck this. I've got Coretta waiting for me at home. I should have given up on this a long time ago.'