Mass Suicide at Kenny G Concert Garners Critical Acclaim
Audience's spontaneous self-slaughter hailed as 'a revelation'
Oh the lack of humanity.
SAN DIEGO, CA – A recent concert by saxophonist Kenny G during which the twelve hundred-strong crowd engaged in spontaneous self-slaughter is being hailed as a revelation.
'It was the kind of performance I think we all knew a musician of his caliber could deliver,' wrote Union Tribune music critic Benjamin Scott in his review, which was scrawled in his own blood on the sidewalk. 'But it’s overwhelming to find that the day has finally arrived.'
G, a multi-platinum certified recording artist, had previously been best-known for his world record feat of longest uninterrupted note on the saxophone. But those famous forty-five minutes and twelve seconds seem likely to be eclipsed by the reported fifteen minutes it took for over a thousand people to brutally end their own lives in response to his playing.
'It was when he started playing ‘I Believe I Can Fly’, that’s when it happened,' reported Seth Owens, a cafe owner who witnessed the events. 'I’ve never heard anything like it…it was like those Dementors in the Harry Potter books…I felt like I’d never be happy again, and…and then it all went dark.'
'I don’t know what would have happened if I didn’t have those earplugs in the first drawer,' Owens added.
The carnage, which has been described by some in the music community as long-overdue recognition for G’s body of work, was a masterpiece of ritual violence. At around 9:15 pm, about ten minutes into G’s set, the audience was suddenly moved beyond their own control by the force of the music.
Hundreds of people in the audience threw themselves into nearby traffic. Hundreds more drew crude weapons and went to work as best they could—pens, car keys, even swallowed loose change. Others relied on their neighbors for assistance, and fierce hand-to-hand combat raged throughout the park where the concert was taking place.
'I was just so overwhelmed by the crowd,' said G in a post-show interview. 'They really got into it. It’s like they finally understood what my music was all about.'