{fiction}

​My wife and I have been together four years and our sex life is totally great. But here's the thing: she just can't seem to produce a male heir. Is it time to get all axe-y?
—Don't Want to Be That Guy

Have you tried your local apothecary, DWBTG? There are some exciting advances in wolfsbane and moonlight basins that could honestly be game changers. Keep your head up, pilgrim - and hers on, for the time being.


I’ve been in a committed relationship for six years now. It has its ups and downs, but I’ve come to rely on it pretty fundamentally, i.e. I can’t really picture my life any other way.

Thing is, I’ve met someone else, and since I have, it’s starting to seem like my relationship may not be so healthy. He’s not very present in my life, and frankly, sometimes it feels like he’s not really there at all. My new prospect tells me I should break it off. What do you think? Is it time to leave the monastery?
—Not Sure About This God Guy Anymore

This is what it’s all about, NSATGGA. Drink some wine, listen to a bard, take a walk in the moonlight. Stay up all night. Ask yourself how true this love has really been, and whether it’s made you your best self. And if it turns out God just isn’t for you, kill yourself.


My chamber maid doesn't seem to like it when I fuck her. Does that matter?
—Tiny Bit Confused

Can't imagine how.


My wife seems to think she can somehow climax too. Should I burn her?
—Please, You Really Expect?

Burning should really be a last resort in these cases, PYRE. Does she demonstrate wantonness in other areas of her life? Would you describe her as a sin-wallower? Has she ever demonstrated any willingness? Any and all of these would be red flags.


My boyfriend and I have been together a long time and we really want to have sex, but my priest says I can only do it with him. Is there any way I can at least trade up for a bishop or something?
—Meet Me Halfway Here

That's blasphemy, MMHH. An inquisitor has been assigned to you. God bless!

1/22/2019