New Voter Identity Law Would Require Showing Proof You’re Not an Asshole
Initiative aims to eliminate the jerkoff vote
A new federal law introduced this week would mandate that voters demonstrate their basic human fucking decency in order to cast their ballots.
The proposal, which enjoys the support of several noted assholes in the U.S. House of Representatives typically unaware that they are themselves assholes, was formulated in response to the growing problem of total dicks getting to decide who runs the country.
‘It’s hard to give an exact figure, but at least ten percent of people at all times and in all places are absolute irredeemable fucking assholes,’ explained Tony Watkins, head researcher at Washington-based think tank America Without Assholes. ‘And given that assholes tend to take up a lot of space - often dominating otherwise rational discourse with outlandish dickishness that others are then forced to respond to - their influence is outsized. Ultimately, it has a pronounced deleterious effect on policy.’
Dr. Watkins added that, due to a constellation of factors ranging from an exaggerated sense of self-importance to other people being made too uncomfortable by their mind-boggling shittiness as human beings to adequately challenge them, assholes tend to be disproportionately represented in leadership roles.
‘Assholes don’t just vote more than ordinary people - they’re almost a thousand times more likely to run for public office,’ he said.
The new law would use a range of tools developed by researchers to detect the presence of assholishness in potential voters. Respondents may be asked if they experience venomous rage at people or events that have no bearing on their lives. Can they pursue a simple conversation with voting center volunteers without bitterly complaining about simple facts of life, like queue wait times or cultural diversity? Do they have a fearful, threatening posture towards the world at large, insisting that assault rifles at Chipotle be a birthright and that some vague menace is always just about to destroy their way of life? Do they bludgeon all comers with the fanatical assertion that free markets are white and everything else is black? Do they seem to think that the social responsibility to care for the poor and sick is somehow an assault on their personal freedom? When they watch It’s A Wonderful Life, do they nod along with Mr. Potter?
The bill has faced little controversy over the issue of misidentification, since assholes are clearly marked in all things by their assholishness. So far, assholes themselves are unconcerned, as they are the only ones unaware of their condition and generally in favor of anything that excludes others.