everything is necessary
  • the good news
  • the bad news
  • the briefs
  • the verse
  • the view
  • the words
  • the man
{lists}
 

Questions No One Will Answer


​How much cocaine should I mix into my pool?


Who's the invisible person lifting my penis?

What should you tell your postman after you rob him?

How many chainsaws do I need to drive a bus?

Who is the sun and why does he hate me?

Signs Your Host Might Be Batman


When you ask if you can use the upstairs bathroom, your host answers 'Raz al Gul is dead...I saw him die.'

While introducing you to another guest, your host’s eyes dart furtively but unmistakably towards the bat signal.

When a caterer inadvertently drops a tray of champagne glasses, the impact is depicted by a colorful bubble reading ‘BLAM!’

Your host disappears for long enough to concern the guests, and when you spread out to search the house, each of you is picked off one by one before landing a single shot.

Acclaimed film director Christopher Nolan can be clearly seen blocking your host’s movements.

History's Worst Pickup Lines


​'Hey Jodie, how you livin? Shot Reagan.'

'Little girl, with time and patience, I'm gonna make you President. You know what, you should just italicise 'time' and 'patience' in your head there, darling.'

'Ma chere demoiselle, I did not bury the dream of La Revolution and step atop its grave so that I would have to buy you a third drink.'

'God...the great spirit, gone, just like that. For nothing. I wonder if our great broken country will ever find its way to the promised land without his unwavering guidance. Ever fuck a black dude?'

Name Game of Thrones

​
Westeros: Europe

Crownlands: England

The Riverlands: Wales

The North: Scotland

The Stormlands: Ireland

Better Trump Campaign Slogans


​Stop Hitting Yourself

Take a Trump on America

Make Every Day Steak and Blowjob day


Cartoonish Villainy

Suggested License Plate Mottos


Utah: Birthplace of Jesus

Costa Rica: Catch jungle fever! (But not actually.)

Togo: Try picking us out on an unmarked map. Try.

North Dakota: North Dakota’s South Dakota

Canada: America's precocious little brother

Red Lit TV Show Pitches


The Meat Supply Chain Hour

Unedited Denny's Parking Lot Security Camera Footage

Please, Please, Please Be the Next Seinfeld

Ken Burns' America's America: The Story of American Americans in America

A Brilliant Comedic Mind Hosts a Game Show

Little Known Facts


The Obama Administration was filmed entirely in a warehouse in Montreal.

The works of St Francis of Asissi were an elaborate justification for a notorious streaking incident.

The twelve-step program popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous originated as alternate, non-denominational lyrics for a Christmas carol.

The city of Toronto, though astonishingly distinctive and stunningly unique, does not exist.

Caterpillars are unaware that they are left-handed.

Failed Small Businesses


Wounding Personal Insults Emporium

O'Toole's Mormon Pub

The Apollo Theater's Krazy Komedy Kabaret

Salmonella Cafe

Bob's Bombs - You break it, you bought it!

Things I'd Like To Ask Famous People Then Run Away


Dame Goodall? When will the apes rise?

Martin Sheen! It's a real pleasure. So does the tiger come from your side of the family?

Ms. Jolie? Did you put that vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood in the potion you used on Brad Pitt?

Jon Stewart! You're my favorite stand-in for democratic discourse! Can you interview my father-in-law?

Hey, you're Brian Williams, aren't you? Say, can I ask you something? How did you get your gig? Did the Ken doll ask for too much money?

Slogans for Decades


1870's: The Reconstruction that Totally Prevented the South From Being Permanently Crippled by Poverty

1880's: Seriously, Where Did All the Opium Dens Go?

1890's: Yup, That's All the Indians

1900's: Did Somebody Say the Philippines?

1910's: Where It All Went Wronger

Reality TV After You're Dead


Deal or No Deal with the Devil

So You Think You Can Dance On Your Grave

The Guy Who Died Alone

The Gal Who Died Alone

Guys and Gals Who Died Alone Pad

Unpopular Bumper Stickers


I'd rather be driving. Wait.

Gravity is a theory, not a fact.

At least I'm not as bad as my cat thinks I am.

The perfect time and place for productive debate on important social issues.

Unauthorized Unauthorized Biographies


Tragedy Plus Thyme: The Martha Stewart Story

Too Beautiful for This World: The Life of Rob Lowe

Don't We Have an Extradition Treaty with France?: A Roman Polanski Reader

Why Did They Put Me On TV?: Glenn Beck In His Own Words

Theme Doctors' Offices


Space-themed physical therapy: One Small Step

50’s-themed gynecologist: I'm Worried About the Beaver

Winter-themed psychiatrist: Of Our Discontent

Cheerleader-themed hospice: Bring It On

Who to Copy From When You're Scoring a Movie


Sci-fi: Mahler
For anything with ‘star’ in the title.

Fantasy: Dvorak
For when magical men are running in a field.

Prestige drama: Beethoven
It’s always someone’s first time hearing the moonlight sonata.

Costume drama: Brahms
Claaaaassy.

Honest Network Slogans


CBS: Give up on life with us.

NBC: Soulless with edge.

FOX: A place for rage.

ABC: Somehow dumber.

HBO: Not porn, not not porn.

AMC: You want bleak? We’ll give you bleak.

Comedy Central: It’s a long way down.

Secrets of the Classics Revealed


The original title of The Iliad was A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Rape Helen.

The Book of Genesis was actually an attack ad from the Pear Advisory Council intended to discredit apples.

Newton’s Principia Mathematica was originally pitched as a graphic novel, but was accepted for publication only on condition that it be rewritten as the seminal text in the history of the physical sciences. 

Movies in Headlines


Citizen Kane 
Powerful man dies, valued sleigh 

Casablanca 
Bar owner allows old girlfriend to escape the Nazis with her husband 

The Dark Knight 
Rich vigilante brutalizes criminals 

Moneyball 
Math applied to baseball

Raiders of the Lost Ark
Academic fights aboriginals for artifacts
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