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Questions No One Will Answer
How much cocaine should I mix into my pool?
Who's the invisible person lifting my penis?
What should you tell your postman after you rob him?
How many chainsaws do I need to drive a bus?
Who is the sun and why does he hate me?
Signs Your Host Might Be Batman
When you ask if you can use the upstairs bathroom, your host answers 'Raz al Gul is dead...I saw him die.'
While introducing you to another guest, your host’s eyes dart furtively but unmistakably towards the bat signal.
When a caterer inadvertently drops a tray of champagne glasses, the impact is depicted by a colorful bubble reading ‘BLAM!’
Your host disappears for long enough to concern the guests, and when you spread out to search the house, each of you is picked off one by one before landing a single shot.
Acclaimed film director Christopher Nolan can be clearly seen blocking your host’s movements.
History's Worst Pickup Lines
'Hey Jodie, how you livin? Shot Reagan.'
'Little girl, with time and patience, I'm gonna make you President. You know what, you should just italicise 'time' and 'patience' in your head there, darling.'
'Ma chere demoiselle, I did not bury the dream of La Revolution and step atop its grave so that I would have to buy you a third drink.'
'God...the great spirit, gone, just like that. For nothing. I wonder if our great broken country will ever find its way to the promised land without his unwavering guidance. Ever fuck a black dude?'
Name Game of Thrones
Westeros: Europe
Crownlands: England
The Riverlands: Wales
The North: Scotland
The Stormlands: Ireland
Westeros: Europe
Crownlands: England
The Riverlands: Wales
The North: Scotland
The Stormlands: Ireland
Better Trump Campaign Slogans
Stop Hitting Yourself
Take a Trump on America
Make Every Day Steak and Blowjob day
Cartoonish Villainy
Suggested License Plate Mottos
Utah: Birthplace of Jesus
Costa Rica: Catch jungle fever! (But not actually.)
Togo: Try picking us out on an unmarked map. Try.
North Dakota: North Dakota’s South Dakota
Canada: America's precocious little brother
Red Lit TV Show Pitches
The Meat Supply Chain Hour
Unedited Denny's Parking Lot Security Camera Footage
Please, Please, Please Be the Next Seinfeld
Ken Burns' America's America: The Story of American Americans in America
A Brilliant Comedic Mind Hosts a Game Show
Little Known Facts
The Obama Administration was filmed entirely in a warehouse in Montreal.
The works of St Francis of Asissi were an elaborate justification for a notorious streaking incident.
The twelve-step program popularized by Alcoholics Anonymous originated as alternate, non-denominational lyrics for a Christmas carol.
The city of Toronto, though astonishingly distinctive and stunningly unique, does not exist.
Caterpillars are unaware that they are left-handed.
Failed Small Businesses
Wounding Personal Insults Emporium
O'Toole's Mormon Pub
The Apollo Theater's Krazy Komedy Kabaret
Salmonella Cafe
Bob's Bombs - You break it, you bought it!
Things I'd Like To Ask Famous People Then Run Away
Dame Goodall? When will the apes rise?
Martin Sheen! It's a real pleasure. So does the tiger come from your side of the family?
Ms. Jolie? Did you put that vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood in the potion you used on Brad Pitt?
Jon Stewart! You're my favorite stand-in for democratic discourse! Can you interview my father-in-law?
Hey, you're Brian Williams, aren't you? Say, can I ask you something? How did you get your gig? Did the Ken doll ask for too much money?
Slogans for Decades
1870's: The Reconstruction that Totally Prevented the South From Being Permanently Crippled by Poverty
1880's: Seriously, Where Did All the Opium Dens Go?
1890's: Yup, That's All the Indians
1900's: Did Somebody Say the Philippines?
1910's: Where It All Went Wronger
Reality TV After You're Dead
Deal or No Deal with the Devil
So You Think You Can Dance On Your Grave
The Guy Who Died Alone
The Gal Who Died Alone
Guys and Gals Who Died Alone Pad
Unpopular Bumper Stickers
I'd rather be driving. Wait.
Gravity is a theory, not a fact.
At least I'm not as bad as my cat thinks I am.
The perfect time and place for productive debate on important social issues.
Unauthorized Unauthorized Biographies
Tragedy Plus Thyme: The Martha Stewart Story
Too Beautiful for This World: The Life of Rob Lowe
Don't We Have an Extradition Treaty with France?: A Roman Polanski Reader
Why Did They Put Me On TV?: Glenn Beck In His Own Words
Theme Doctors' Offices
Space-themed physical therapy: One Small Step
50’s-themed gynecologist: I'm Worried About the Beaver
Winter-themed psychiatrist: Of Our Discontent
Cheerleader-themed hospice: Bring It On
Who to Copy From When You're Scoring a Movie
Sci-fi: Mahler
For anything with ‘star’ in the title.
Fantasy: Dvorak
For when magical men are running in a field.
Prestige drama: Beethoven
It’s always someone’s first time hearing the moonlight sonata.
Costume drama: Brahms
Claaaaassy.
Honest Network Slogans
CBS: Give up on life with us.
NBC: Soulless with edge.
FOX: A place for rage.
ABC: Somehow dumber.
HBO: Not porn, not not porn.
AMC: You want bleak? We’ll give you bleak.
Comedy Central: It’s a long way down.
Secrets of the Classics Revealed
The original title of The Iliad was A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Rape Helen.
The Book of Genesis was actually an attack ad from the Pear Advisory Council intended to discredit apples.
Newton’s Principia Mathematica was originally pitched as a graphic novel, but was accepted for publication only on condition that it be rewritten as the seminal text in the history of the physical sciences.
Movies in Headlines
Citizen Kane
Powerful man dies, valued sleigh
Casablanca
Bar owner allows old girlfriend to escape the Nazis with her husband
The Dark Knight
Rich vigilante brutalizes criminals
Moneyball
Math applied to baseball
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Academic fights aboriginals for artifacts
